And so it begins! I don’t really know how judges beat one another in a fake tournament like this one, but if you are still reading at this point you might as well just roll with it.
Also be sure to refer to 64 Judges 1 Winner Part I to learn more about the contestants.
Here we go!
Historical Judges Region
1 Thurgood Marshall vs 16 Curtis Shake
Curtis Shake was a surprise entry into this tournament. It did not hurt that he was a fellow Sigma Pi and I was head of the selection committee. While his contributions to American History are notable, they can’t be stacked against Thurgood Marshall.
Thrugood Marshall defeats Curtis Shake
8 Sandra Day O’Connor vs 9 Clarence Thomas
The first female justice was popular among conservatives and liberals, but at the end of the day Clarence Thomas is not that easy to get rid of (oops).
Clarence Thomas defeats Sandra Day O’Connor
5 William Rehnquist vs 12 Earl Warren
A battle of Chief Justices! Despite Warren helping to end segregation and leading the Warren Commission (even named after him), Rehnquist had a Coach K-like tenure on the Supreme Court.
William Rehnquist defeats Earl Warren
4 John Marshall vs 13 Warren Burger
Another Chief Justice showdown! Even with 30 years on SCOTUS, Burger falls to Marshall who had 34 (longest Chief Justice in history) and whose opinions were basis for constitutional law.
John Marshall defeats Warren Burger
6 John Roberts vs 11 Joseph Story
Joseph Story might be best known for the Amistad case and was even portrayed by fellow competitor Harry Blackmun in a Speilberg flick. Still it won’t be enough to get him past current Chief Justice John Roberts who turned the political world into Cameron Indoor (good or bad depending on which side you swing) with the majority opinion for Obamacare.
John Roberts defeats Joseph Story
3 Ruth Bader Ginsburg vs 14 Harry Blackmun
Harry Blackmun was best known for his opinion on Roe v. Wade. Even though he is one of the stronger 14 seeds in this tournament, he’s unable to shake the living legend Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg defeats Harry Blackmun
7 Antonin Scalia vs 10 Lord Denning
The Sicilian takes on the Master of Rolls from across the pond. The timing of Scalia’s death made headlines around the world and caused national hysteria…..but that wig though. First big upset of the tournament.
Lord Denning defeats Antonin Scalia
2 Lance Ito vs 15 Louis Brandeis
When it comes to comparing legal careers Brandeis is a runaway who was the first Jew appointed to SCOTUS. All Ito did was preside over the trial of the century. Enough for the win!
Lance Ito defeats Louis Brandeis
Trial TV Show Region
1 Judge Judy vs 16 Judge Reed
The most lopsided victory of the tournament thus far.
Judge Judy defeats Judge Reed
8 Judge Hatchett vs 9 Cristina Perez
Cristina Perez shows Glenda some Latino Heat and literally “buries the Hatchett”.
Cristina Perez defeats Judge Hatchett
5 Mablean Ephraim vs 12 Lynn Toler
Lynn Toler may hold down divorce court, but Judge Mablean started it. A true force in this tournament.
Mablean Ephraim defeats Lynn Toler
4 Marilyn Milian vs 13 Judge Karen
When Marilyn Milian took over the rock for the People’s Court she never looked back.
Marilyn Milian defeats Judge Karen
6 Mills Lane vs 11 Judge Faith
All he has to do is say “let’s get it on!” See ya Faith!
Mills Lane defeats Judge Faith
3 Joe Brown vs 14 Maria Lopez
Is she even in Judge Joe Brown’s league?
Joe Brown defeats Maria Lopez
7 Joseph Wapner vs 10 Judge Alex
Judge Alex presided over the Sun Gym gang members trial which was the inspiration for Pain & Gain. Even with that notch on his belt the Cuban immigrant is unable to take down the godfather of courtroom television. I can still hear the music.
Joseph Wampner defeats Judge Alex
2 Judge Mathis vs 15 Judge O. Meter
Mathis was set to face off against the only machine in this tournament. Unfortunately the Judge O. Meter has been unable to be located for roughly 28 years. If it is still around it probably doesn’t work, but in all likelihood it was probably turned into some kind of animatronic figure for another Nick show giving Greggy the win by default.
Judge Mathis defeats Judge O. Meter
Fictional Judges Region
1 Philip Banks vs 16 Judge Melvoy
If this was a battle of TV Dads and you swapped the character of Judge Melvoy with Carl Winslow we would have a true nail bitter on our hands. Maybe next year.
Philip Banks defeats Judge Melvoy
8 Walter Bradley vs 9 Judge Turpin
I don’t care how many trials he handled on Law & Order and it’s spin-off show, Turpin is a crooked and dangerous man. Bradley would have rather not made the tournament at all after facing him.
Judge Turpin defeats Walter Bradley
5 Henry Bone vs 12 Judge Dredd
Old Man Bone thinks he has seen it all in Rome, Wisconsin. He’d fill his Depends in Judge Dredd’s world.
Judge Dredd defeats Henry Bone
4 Elihu Smails vs 13 Stephen Wexler
Wexler is very underrated considering how much he is hated in the afterlife, but Smails is hated by most of Bushwood which is even more impressive.
Elihu Smails defeats Stephen Wexler
6 Judge Reinhold vs 11 Constance Harm
Constance Harm is the only solely animated contestant in this tournament, but it just so happens that she is up against the only other person to have a cartoon role playing a judge (and himself) in the same tournament.
Judge Reinhold defeats Constance Harm
3 Harry T. Stone vs 14 Henry X. Harper
Imagine Judge Harper’s picture as a reaction to Judge Stone’s. It looks like he found out there is not a Santa Clause (I went there).
Harry T. Stone defeats Henry X. Harper
7 Lena Petrovsky vs 10 Arthur Vandelay
Petrovsky has appeared on Law & Order: SVU over 40 times. Vandelay’s got his hands full on this one, but he has proved he can handle it. He has seen the Soup Nazi, Babu and the Virgin all take the stand….in the same trial!
Arthur Vandelay defeats Lena Petrovsky
2 Chamberlain Haller vs 15 Omar Noose
Two old timers from the deep, deep south in this contest, but it’s really no contest.
Chamberlain Haller defeats Omar Noose
Competition TV Series Region
1 Simon Cowell vs 16 Keith Urban
Simon says “g’day mate!”
Simon Cowell defeats Keith Urban
8 Paula Abdul vs 9 Pharrell Williams
The 757 don’t lose in the first round!
Pharrell Williams defeats Paula Abdul
5 Howard Stern vs 12 Jennifer Lopez
Howard Stern is on the Mount Rushmore of talk radio, but J-LO got booty and even Howard will reckon that.
Jennifer Lopez defeats Howard Stern
4 Randy Jackson vs 13 Gwen Stefani
You got to roll with your dawg on this one.
Randy Jackson defeats Gwen Stefani
6 Adam Levine vs 11 Harry Connick Jr.
The bigger name is definitely Levine, but why not Connick? He might be the best eye for talent in this region.
Harry Connick Jr. defeats Adam Levine
3 Nigel Lythgoe vs 14 Steven Tyler
I still can’t get over what a sellout Steven Tyler is. As much as I miss my dad (Aerosmith’s biggest fan) I’m glad he didn’t have to witness this.
Nigel Lythgoe defeats Steven Tyler
7 Howie Mandell vs 10 Sharon Osbourne
These type of shows were made for Howie Mandell. That being said Sharon was married to (and still legally is) a man who bit the head off of a bat….and a bird.
Sharon Osbourne defeats Howie Mandell
2 Blake Shelton vs 15 Christina Aguilera
He already took her out once. He can do it again.
Blake Shelton defeats Christina Aguilera
Below is what the current bracket looks like. Be sure to check in tomorrow to find out who made the Sweet Sixteen.